What’s Happening to Me?
Understanding the Shock of Betrayal Trauma
Elliott Kemmet, MSW, BSW, RSW
Founder of My Restored Roots & Lead Therapist
The Moment It All Shattered
You're driving home in the rain, windshield wipers swiping back and forth, barely clearing your vision. Your phone lights up—a text message, a confession. Suddenly, the road feels unsteady beneath you. Your ears start ringing, your vision narrows, and each breath comes sharp and shallow, like inhaling shards of glass. Everything boils down to one painful, impossible question: why?
Or maybe you're at the dinner table, the scent of roasted vegetables and warm bread filling the air. The ordinary comfort of family dinner is ripped away when his words land, cold and devastating. Your stomach turns, the fork you’re holding suddenly feeling impossibly heavy. Sounds fade into a muffled hum around you. The safety of the mundane is shattered, leaving you stranded in disbelief, wondering how you missed the signs.
Or perhaps you're hiding on the bathroom floor, tiles cold and unforgiving against your tear-streaked face. You press your palm tightly against your mouth, muffling the sobs that threaten to escape, desperately holding the door shut because your children are still awake, oblivious to the fracture in their world. You can't let them hear the anguish spilling uncontrollably from your chest. Isolation envelopes you, deepening the hurt, intensifying the betrayal.
Your world has just shifted, cracked wide open by the unbearable weight of betrayal. It happens in an instant, a single moment frozen in time when trust evaporates, leaving behind confusion, panic, and a disorienting sense of grief. This is the precise moment trauma begins—the exact second when the familiar foundations of your life collapse beneath you, and everything you believed was secure and sacred unravels. You are left adrift, wondering if safety, connection, and trust can ever be yours again.
What You’re Feeling Isn’t Crazy — It’s Trauma
You feel it as a thick fog settling into your mind, making even simple tasks feel overwhelming. There's a tightness in your chest that never fully goes away, sometimes squeezing until it feels difficult to breathe. Your hands tremble with anxiety, causing you to spill your coffee as you repeatedly type phrases like "betrayal trauma symptoms" into your search bar, desperate for answers and relief.
Hours slip by unnoticed as you fall into obsessive cycles of searching online. You scroll endlessly through Google results, Reddit threads filled with stories that sound painfully familiar, and Pinterest boards offering encouraging quotes and hopeful Bible verses. Yet, none of it fully eases the ache or quiets your racing thoughts.
Unexpected waves of anger rise quickly, erupting out of nowhere, leaving you shaken by their intensity. Then, just as abruptly, that rage fades into numb silence, leaving you feeling disconnected and isolated. Even familiar comforts like your pastor’s voice during Sunday service seem distant and muffled, as though he's speaking from several rooms away, unable to fully reach you.
Friend, experiencing these feelings doesn't mean you're weak or failing. You're navigating trauma—a deep wound caused by betrayal within the relationship you trusted most. Your body is responding exactly as it was designed by God to respond: with an internal alarm system signaling danger. This trauma reaction is your nervous system’s way of protecting you, protesting against the violation of trust, and preserving your emotional safety. It’s not a sign of weakness but of resilience. Recognizing these responses for what they are is the first crucial step toward healing. You're not alone in this, and there is hope for peace and restoration.
This Isn’t the End of You — It’s the Breaking Open
Think about a seed planted deep underground, hidden away from sight, nestled in darkness. When rainwater gently saturates the soil around it, something profound begins to happen. The seed begins to split open—not because it is broken or has failed, but because its growth demands more space. Right now, your life mirrors this seed. Old beliefs, certainties, and familiar comforts are breaking apart. It may feel disorienting, even painful, but remember: this fracturing is not a sign of failure but evidence of imminent growth.
During this season, you might feel disconnected from God. Your prayers might seem empty, your spiritual practices hollow. The distance you feel does not mean abandonment. Here we can turn to scripture for comfort: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted." God is not disturbed or driven away by your silence or struggle. Instead, He draws nearer, holding the fragments of your faith and heart gently, even when you can’t articulate your feelings or needs clearly.
The pain you're experiencing right now is real and intensely difficult, but it also serves a purpose. It is creating necessary space within you for something new and beautiful to emerge. Beneath the broken pieces of your marriage, fresh possibilities and unexpected growth are already beginning to form, even if they remain unseen. Growth rarely announces itself boldly; it often begins quietly, subtly beneath the surface, unseen but deeply significant.
So, hold onto hope. Trust in the process of transformation unfolding within and around you. Even when you cannot yet perceive it, know that beneath your current struggle lies the potential for profound renewal. God is faithfully at work, nurturing new life from the very pain that seems to threaten everything familiar. Soon, you will begin to notice the tender shoots of hope and healing breaking through, stronger and more vibrant because of what you've endured.
Naming the Shock: A Definition
Betrayal trauma occurs when someone you trusted deeply—someone who was supposed to be a safe haven—turns into a source of pain and emotional harm. This particular trauma is uniquely devastating because it disrupts the fundamental expectation of safety within the relationship.
For many Christian wives, betrayal not only wounds the emotional and relational aspects of their lives but also profoundly shakes their spiritual foundations. When marriage vows, which are sacred promises before God, are broken, it can trigger a cascade of spiritual confusion and doubt. Women facing betrayal often find themselves questioning core beliefs, wondering how a loving God could allow such suffering and where He is amid their pain.
We call this initial period of intense distress and uncertainty "The Shattered Moment." In this first stage, the world you knew feels completely overturned, leaving you feeling vulnerable, isolated, and uncertain of how to move forward. Emotions may range from shock and disbelief to deep sadness and anger. It’s important during this phase to recognize and honor your pain without trying to quickly bypass or suppress it. Your feelings are valid, and experiencing them fully is an essential step toward healing.
As painful as this period is, it’s only the beginning of your journey through betrayal trauma. Later stages include working through grief, rediscovering meaning and purpose in your life, and ultimately rebuilding trust—both in others and yourself. However, you don't have to navigate this alone. With compassionate guidance, practical resources, and the support of others who have walked this difficult road before you, it’s possible to find clarity, healing, and renewed strength.
Taking the first step toward understanding and healing is courageous. Allow yourself the grace and patience needed to fully experience and eventually move beyond "The Shattered Moment."
Gathering Your First Breath
Here's a simple yet powerful practice you can use whenever you're feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or disconnected: begin by taking a slow, gentle breath in for a count of four seconds. Feel your lungs expand gradually, allowing the air to fill you comfortably and completely. Once you've inhaled fully, pause gently, holding your breath for two seconds. Notice this brief moment of stillness.
Next, slowly breathe out for a longer count of six seconds, releasing tension as you exhale. As you breathe out, softly whisper or quietly say to yourself, "Still here." These two simple words serve as an anchor, grounding you in the present moment. They affirm your presence and remind you that, despite everything you may be feeling or experiencing, you remain here, safe in this moment. Repeat this breathing pattern again, allowing each cycle to further relax your mind and body.
When words fail to provide comfort, turning your attention to your breathing can become a powerful source of calm. Breathing intentionally shifts your focus away from troubling thoughts or overwhelming emotions, guiding your attention back to your body's natural rhythm.
To deepen this practice, place one hand gently on your chest and the other lightly on your belly. Pay attention to the sensation of your body moving as you breathe in and out—the rise and fall, the gentle rhythm that continues no matter the circumstances around you. Recognize that your body, even if you sometimes feel disconnected or frustrated with it, is not your adversary. Instead, it's your closest ally, working continuously to support and sustain you.
Each conscious breath you take sends a soothing signal to your nervous system, reminding it that you are safe and capable of calmness. Every breath reassures your mind and body that you're alive, and with life comes ongoing possibilities, renewed strength, and enduring hope.
Metaphors to Conceptualize Betrayal Trauma
Roots Splitting Stone:
Think of how tree roots, quietly but relentlessly, push through solid rock beneath the soil. Betrayal trauma can feel just as immovable—as heavy and unyielding as stone. Yet, your heart, in its ache and struggle, is like those roots, slowly carving pathways through pain, opening channels that allow healing waters to flow. The cracks hurt deeply, yet they create room for renewal, compassion, and clarity that wouldn't otherwise have space.
Earthquake Remapping a Coastline:
Imagine an earthquake shaking the ground, reshaping coastlines and rearranging familiar landscapes. Similarly, betrayal trauma rearranges your inner landscape. What was stable suddenly shifts beneath your feet, causing confusion and disorientation. Yet, in this upheaval, new bays and protected coves are formed—safe places where waves, your turbulent emotions, can finally come to rest. It's painful, but it can also lead you to new places of understanding and peace that didn't exist before.
Storm Stripping Old Leaves:
Picture a fierce storm tearing leaves from a tree. The branches are left bare, exposed to the elements. Betrayal trauma strips away what you once relied on—assumptions, certainties, even pieces of your identity. Yet, in the aftermath, sunlight reaches branches that were hidden and neglected. Vulnerability feels uncomfortable, but it also illuminates areas ready to grow, inviting new life to emerge where shadows previously reigned.
The Inhale Keeping You Tethered:
Focus on your breathing—the gentle inhale and exhale. Breath is your first and most fundamental gift—ruach, the Spirit-wind moving within your lungs. When betrayal trauma steals words from your lips or prayer from your spirit, let each breath anchor you. The steady rhythm reminds you that life continues, even in this moment of brokenness. The simple act of breathing reconnects you to yourself, to the divine presence within you, and to the quiet strength you need to move forward.
When Scripture feels distant, and words fail to soothe, lean into these images. Metaphors create pathways into your soul, bypassing logic and language, to comfort and guide you gently back toward hope.
If God Feels Far, You Are Still Held
Feeling unable to pray, having no words left to write, or experiencing pain rather than comfort when you listen to worship music—none of these experiences push you away from God's compassion. Trauma, especially betrayal trauma, can often silence our hearts. The places you once turned to for peace may now feel empty, hollow, or even painful. That doesn't mean your faith is broken or your relationship with God is lost. It means you're hurting, and your heart needs rest before it can fully reconnect.
Think about the prophet Elijah, exhausted and fearful, collapsing under a broom tree. He had reached a place beyond words, a moment when prayers felt empty and meaningless. God didn't chastise him or ask Elijah to rise immediately and push onward. Instead, God gently allowed Elijah the grace of deep rest, followed by nourishment. He sent an angel who provided simple food and water—not spiritual platitudes or demands, but physical care and tenderness. God understood Elijah's human limits. Rest came first, long before understanding, answers, or healing.
Right now, you might be at that broom tree moment yourself. Trauma isn't something you simply pray away or overcome quickly. Your soul, like Elijah’s body, may need rest, quiet, and care before it can process what's happened or begin to find meaning again. So take time to rest. Wrap yourself in your favorite blanket, find comfort in familiar surroundings, and give yourself permission to stop striving, if only for a moment.
If stepping away from your phone and social media eases your anxiety, let yourself disconnect. However, if keeping your phone nearby, using it for distraction, connection, or comfort feels safer right now, allow yourself that gentleness, too. There's no single right way to manage trauma’s aftermath; your comfort and peace in this moment are essential.
Remember, God's mercy and support aren't conditional on your current state of faith, strength, or emotional stability. Even if anxiety still tightens your chest, or painful memories loop in your mind, His strength quietly remains with you. His care is patient, His presence steady—even when you feel distant, numb, or overwhelmed.
God is not disappointed by your silence or your inability to find peace in familiar spiritual comforts. Like Elijah’s experience, your season of rest is sacred. God’s mercy meets you exactly where you are, holding space for healing to come gently and at its own pace. Trust that, even in this heavy quietness, you are held securely. God's understanding and compassion are wide enough to carry you through this darkness and into a time when prayers, music, and words bring comfort once again.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What is betrayal trauma?
Betrayal trauma happens when someone you deeply trust—like a spouse—violates that trust through secrecy, deception, or hidden behaviors. It impacts not just your emotions, but also your body, brain, and spiritual stability.
Why do I feel so overwhelmed and unstable?
Your reaction isn’t an overreaction—it’s trauma. The shock, confusion, grief, or even numbness you’re feeling is your body’s way of responding to emotional danger. These symptoms are common and valid.
Is it normal to feel disconnected from God right now?
Yes. Many women feel distant from God after betrayal. The emotional and spiritual disorientation is part of the trauma response—but it doesn’t mean God has abandoned you. He remains near, even in your pain.
How do I start healing from this?
Start by stabilizing your body and emotions—simple steps like journaling, breathing exercises, and setting small boundaries help. You don’t have to fix everything at once; you just need to start by breathing and grounding.
Where can I get more support?
You can continue your journey inside the Rooted Collective Membership, where you’ll receive mentorship, resources, and connection with others who understand betrayal trauma. You are not alone in this.
Still have questions?
Find answers to more common questions [here]
Copyright 2025. My Restored Roots. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright 2025. My Restored Roots. All Rights Reserved.